Never is such a stupid word
by closet-hopeless-romantic
Summary: Harm makes a last ditch effort to win Mac's heart after Paraguay
1. Chapter 1

This came to me while I was trying to write chapter 14 of 'Adrift part 3' I have to just quickly mention that I haven't actually seen any of series 8/9 which is when I think the Paraguay episodes were, so sorry if I have portrayed it wrong. All I know about the eps I have got from spoilers and fanfic.

Also, I do have just have to point out that Paraguay is in fact a beautiful and friendly country (in most places) so don't believe everything that you read/see in the media!

The song, repeated thousands (well 2) of times is 'Here without you' by 3 Doors Down.

**

* * *

North of Union Station, 3 days before Valentines Day**

The rain was falling heavily. Every few minutes lightening illuminated the early morning sky. It was 3am and the streets were completely empty apart from a couple of homeless men searching for protection against the forces of Mother Nature. Had these men looked up, they would have seen lit up by the flashes, a man sitting in one of the windows staring blindly out at the night sky, a few stray tears running down his face as the radio played softly in the background.

A hundred days have made me older

Since the last time that I saw your pretty face

A thousand lies have made me colder

And I don't think I can look at this the same

But all the miles that separate

They disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby

But you're still on my lonely mind

I think about you baby

And I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby

But you're still with me in my dreams

And tonight

It's only you and me

The miles just keep rolling

As the people leave their way to say hello

I've heard this life is overrated

But I hope that it gets better as we go

'Never' the word was resounding in his head. "Never, never, never.' _How could she say that? _He wondered to himself, _this thing we have. It's always been there. Denying it would be like saying that the Earth was square. If I can't have Mac in my life, what kind of life will it be? How did we get to this?_ His mind flashed back over a dozen moments from his past: the Rose Garden, getting his flight status back, finding about the truth about his father, finding his half brother, Sydney, his plane crash, Afghanistan, Paraguay. Mac had always been there. Not always happy with him, but she had always been there. She had been right when she had told him he only showed his interest when she had one foot out of the door; he panicked every time she left, scared that she wouldn't come back, that she wouldn't always be there. And now she had destroyed all his hopes with one single word. 'Never.'

"Like hell" he suddenly said out loud to the empty room, slamming his hand down in anger. _I cannot let her leave my life. I can't lose her. She's all I have._ The song was still playing the background.

I'm here without you baby

But you're still on my lonely mind

I think about you baby

And I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby

You're still with me in my dreams

And tonight girl

It's only you and me

Everything I know

And anywhere I go

It gets hard but it won't take away my love

And when the last one falls

When it's all said and done

It gets hard but it won't take away my love

I'm here without you baby

But you're still on my lonely mind

I think about you baby

And I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby

But you're still with me in my dreams

And tonight girl

It's only you and me

It had been 3 days since he had finished working for the CIA, and god was he happy to be out of it. It wasn't exciting, it certainly wasn't glamorous and it had made him come to realize how much he enjoyed being a lawyer. He loved to fly; there was nothing quite like it. But he now recognized that flying for a living would not help him to achieve his goals; a family with the woman that he loved. _Could it be that he had finally grown up?! _He thought, a trace of ironic amusement breaking through the black cloud that had perpetually followed him since Paraguay. A plan started to form in his mind.

**

* * *

Georgetown, the same evening**

On the other side of town, Mac was lying in bed, watching the storm through her window. Her usual inability to sleep had been replaced by an ability to fall asleep almost straight away, only to be woken up an hour or so later by dreams of Harm's death, unable to get back to sleep. The dark circles, to dark to be hidden by make up, that had appeared under her eyes since her return from Paraguay were testament to the turmoil that she was doing her best to hide inside. _Where did it all go wrong?_ She thought sadly. _I miss him so much. I wish I knew where he was. _Since they had got back from Paraguay, Webb had been an unmitigated jackass. He wouldn't leave her alone; pressing her time and again to go out on a date with him. In the end she had snapped; screaming at him for a good twenty minutes to leave her alone, unless he was going to tell her where Harm was or at the very least, if he was ok. One more that one occasion the nightmares she had been having had lead her to walk to the local off license in the middle of the night, where she would stand, looking at the bottles of gin for ten or fifteen minutes trying to fight the idea that they would bring her happiness. In the end it was only the thought of what Harm would say that would make her turn away slowly and walk out of the store, back to her apartment and another sleepless night. The song on the radio caught her attention: it was 'Here without you' by 3 Doors Down. _Is he somewhere listening to this too? _She wondered briefly, a small flash of hope in a mind devoid of any positive emotion. _Probably not, _she reminded herself, _he's probably moved on, found another Renee and forgotten all about me. _

I'm here without you baby

But you're still on my lonely mind

I think about you baby

And I dream about you all the time

_God Harm, _she thought, _where are you? I'm sorry for what all the things I've said. I love you and I miss you, please come back to me. _She felt the tears running down her face, powerless to do anything but let them fall.

The next morning, Harm went about putting his plan into motion. He needed someone from JAG's help but he had no idea who he could call anymore. He had barely seen his friends since he had left to go after Mac in Paraguay, and seeing as he was a _persona non grata_ around Headquarters at the moment, he had no idea who to turn to. Sturgis wasn't an option. He wouldn't understand, and he and Harm hadn't parted on the best of terms.

Coates and the Admiral weren't possible either. That left Bud. Harm hated to put him in an awkward position, after all he was Mac's friend too. He sighed, reaching for the phone and dialing Bud's direct line at HQ.

"Roberts." Buds cheerful voice came over the line.

"Bud? It's Harm." He said nervously. There was a clunk at the other end of the line. "Bud? Are you there?"

"Sorry Commander, I dropped the phone" Bud replied sheepishly.

"It's just Harm now," Harm reminded him sadly, "How is everybody doing?"

"They're alright. It's not the same here without you." Bud replied, glad that his office door was shut. The Colonel had been upset enough recently, she didn't need to walk past his office and realise that it was him Harm was calling and not her. "Shall I tell them all you say hello?"

"No" Harm said quickly, he couldn't let Mac know he had been in contact with Bud. "Listen Bud, would you be able to meet me for lunch? It's important."

"Of course. I'm due in court at 1500, but I could meet you at 1300?"

"That would be great. See you at Potbellies?" Bud was momentarily taken aback. He had presumed they would meet a Mc Murphy's, or at least at somewhere in Fall's Church. Potbellies was right in the center of Washington.

"See you then." He replied quickly, going to hang up the phone.

"Oh and Bud?"

"Yes si..Harm?"

"Don't tell anyone you are meeting me. Not even Harriet ok? Just for the moment." Now Bud was more confused.

"Not a problem. See you then."

**

* * *

Potbelly Sandwich Co, Central D.C**

"It's good to see you." Bud said as he approached Harm who had been sitting in the sandwich place for the last twenty minutes nursing a cup of coffee. "We've been worried about you." A bittersweet smile appeared on Harm's face.

"I'm sure not everyone is missing me Bud, but thanks all the same. For the record I miss you all too."

"Do you think you'll ever be back?" Bud asked curiously, JAG and the Navy had been Harm's life, and it was strange to see him out of uniform in the middle of the day.

"I hope so." Harm replied with a wistful smile. "How is everybody doing?"

"It's been a bit of an adjustment, but we're getting there," he hesitated, "I'm worried about the Colonel. She's been snapping at everyone a lot recently, even the Admiral once or twice." Harm's face was unreadable.

"Well I'm sure Webb must be doing his best to cheer her up." He said, bitterness evident in his voice. Bud looked surprise.

"Webb?" he said, not oblivious to his friend's tone, "There's nothing going on between her and Webb. She gave him a complete dressing down in front of the entire bullpen. Told him to leave her alone and never speak to her again," he hesitated again, "unless he was going to tell her where you were." A small spark of hope ignited in Harm's heart at Bud's words.

"How are kids? And Harriet?" Harm asked quickly, not wanting to get onto the subject of Mac just yet.

"They are fine. Jimmy's teething, keeps us up a bit at night. And little AJ is fine, he's got a lot of energy which I find it a bit hard to keep up with at times, but he's a good kid. He misses his Uncle Harm though. Every time he sees Mac he asks where you are."

"I'm sorry Bud." Harm looked ashamed of himself, "Tell AJ I'll come and see him at the weekend will you? I miss the little guy, I just didn't want to see anyone."

"That's ok, we understand. It must have been tough on you." Harm smiled ruefully.

"I've been a complete coward Bud and you know it. You don't have to be nice to me. I've let you all down recently."

"Honestly, you don't have to worry about it. I went through similar stages after my accident." Bud admitted, "Only Harriet's love got me through a lot of it."

"You are so lucky you have Harriet Bud, I really envy you sometimes." Harm replied, "I wish I had someone I could rely on like that." Bud gave him a disbelieving look. Even he could see how the Commander and Colonel felt about each other. Was he really as oblivious as he seemed. Harm seemed to almost read his thoughts.

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about Bud. I need your help." Bud looked intrigued,

"I'll do anything I can to help you and the Colonel, I owe you both so much. Just name it." Harm looked at him gratefully.

"Well obviously we haven't been getting on too well recently. We had a bit of an arguement before and when we were in Paraguay, and I need to sort things out." Harm looked at his friend desperately, "I _need_ to sort things out and apologise. Will you help me?" Bud nodded enthusiastically. Something inside him told him that Harm had finally come to his senses and was ready to do something about his feelings for Mac.

"What can I do?" Harm took a deep breath, looked quickly around him and explained his plan to Bud.

"Can you do it?" Bud nodded,

"No problem. I hope it works sir." At Harm's look he shrugged his shoulders. "Sorry, force of habit!"

"Thank you so much Bud. I'm really going to owe you after this." Harm said with a relieved smile. "So I'll meet you at 0730 on Wednesday to give you this first bit." Bud nodded, "And Bud?" Harm continued, "Can you keep this to yourself? If Harriet asks, then by all means tell her. I'm not going to be responsible for a husband lying to his wife. But it has to be a surprise for Mac ok?"

"Don't worry, I won't breath a word." Bud assured him as they got up to leave the café.

* * *

all reviews welcome :o) 


	2. Chapter 2

I've split this into two chapters to make it easier to read. Hope you like this final part!

**

* * *

Valentines Day**

Mac walked into Headquarters in a terrible mood. The dreams hadn't stopped. In fact the were getting worse, she was currently surviving on no more than 3 hours sleep per night and was relying on a fair amount of coffee to get her through the day. Harriet had tried to talk to her about it the previous day, but she had brushed her off. She didn't want to talk about it; she just wanted to know that her Flyboy was ok. She nodded to Jen Coates and Bud on her way through the bullpen to her office, quickly closing the door behind her. She knew she wouldn't be disturbed until staff call and she needed that time to compose herself. Collapsing in her chair, she leaned forward to start booting up her computer, stopping short when something lying on the desk caught her eye. It was a single red rose, with a silver ribbon tied around the stem. She looked around, confused, half expecting someone to jump out at her. She looked back down at the rose in her hands and noticed something else; the ribbon was holding a piece of paper in place. Hands shaking slightly, she untied the ribbon, and unraveled the piece of paper. As she looked at it, Mac grew even more confused. It was gibberish; a list of two words, with a symbol in between them. Getting up, she strode out into the bullpen. "Bud!" she called, catching the attention of the Lieutenant who was standing b the printer chatting to Coates.

"Yes Ma'am?" he asked, hurrying over.

"Has anyone been in my office this morning?" Bud made a pretty good effort of looking confused.

"No Ma'am, I haven't seen anybody and I've been in since 0800. Why? Is there a problem?" Mac sighed.

"No it's nothing Bud, thank you." She nodded to him and returned to her office, picking up the piece of paper to scrutinize it further. The first word was TOP, the second BOTTOM. The symbol, which she now noticed had a circle drawn around it, was an equals sign. _What could it mean?_ She wondered, completely confused. For the briefest of moments she wondered if it was from Harm, a reference to their conversation in Paraguay where she had said that they both wanted to be on top. But she brushed that idea away as quickly as it had come. Harm hated her; probably never wanted to see her again; he would never send her flowers. She brushed angrily at the tears that had welled up in her eyes just at the thought of him. _Get a hold of yourself Marine._ She berated herself angrily. _You made your bed, and now you have to lie in it._ A knock at the door interrupted her thoughts, and Jen's head appeared.

"Ma'am? The Admiral would like to see you before staff call." Mac blinked a few times, hoping Coates wouldn't notice the tears in her eyes.

"Thank you Petty Officer, I'll be right there." Jen paused in the doorway.

"Are you ok Ma'am?" She asked, concerned. "Can I get you anything?" Mac looked at her, touched by her concern.

"I'm ok thanks Jen." She said, managing a small smile. "Thanks for asking." Coates nodded and slipped out of the door.

Mac sighed, took a deep breath, squared her shoulders and walked to the Admiral's office. Coates announced her presence to the Admiral and she entered his office.

"You wanted to see me sir?" she asked, coming to attention and saluting her CO.

"Yes Mac I did, sit down will you?" Chegwidden said, even more concerned than ever when he noted exactly how dark the circles around her eyes were, as well as the pain he could see reflected in them; pain she was unable to hide anymore.

"Are you ok Sarah?" AJ asked. Mac flinched at his use of her Christian name, forcing herself to look up at her CO with a smile on her face.

"I'm fine sir." She said softly, not quite meeting his eyes. "I just haven't been sleeping that well recently. It's nothing."

"Are you sure?" Mac nodded, still refusing to meet his eyes. "Is it to do with Harm?" he asked hesitantly, shocked to see tear well up in her eyes. She blinked furiously, lowering her gaze back to her hands.

"No sir, it's nothing to do with Harm." She said quietly, trying to control slight shaking of her voice. AJ walked around his desk, perching on the front of it in front of Mac.

"Sarah" he said again, "It's ok to miss him you know. He was your best friend, even when you had your issues it was obvious you still cared about each other. It's ok to worry." This time Mac couldn't fight the tears that poured down her face.

"I hate this. I know he is working for Webb, everytime I try to sleep I dream of him dying." She burst out suddenly. AJ looked at her sadly. _Those two are just about the most stubborn people I have ever met in my life _he thought tiredly, _Damn it Rabb, can't you see what you are doing to her? _Then her reached out and did something that surprised them both. He leaned down and gave a hug. A brief one; but a hug all the same, like the kind of hug a father gives his daughter.

"He'll be fine Sarah." He said softly, "He's a damn good pilot. He's strong" Mac still hadn't looked at him, but she nodded slowly, trying to regain control of her emotions, feeling shaken that she had allowed them to boil over like that.

"Do you want to take a day of leave?" AJ asked, he had never seen her like that and it scared him.

"No sir." She replied looking up at him shakily, "I'll better here doing work sir."

"Well if you're sure?"

"Yes sir. Thank you sir." Mac replied, getting up to leave. "See you in half an hour for staff call sir."

**

* * *

Georgetown**

When Mac got home all she wanted to do was sink into a hot bubble bath and try to escape from her life for a while. She was shocked to find on her doorstep a box of chocolates tied up with silver ribbon again. She leant down and picked them up, shocked to see another piece of paper tucked in with the ribbon. Her sixth sense suddenly kicked in and she spun around, convinced that someone was staring at her. There was no one there; the hallway was deserted. She sighed and opened the door to her apartment, waiting until she was safely inside before pulling the piece of paper out from under the ribbon.

'8PM SOFT ROCK-97.1FM' it read, the handwriting identical to the morning's note.

Mac looked at it in confusion, turning it over in her hands to see if there was anything else on the paper. She sighed, too tired to mull over the note for more that a couple of minutes. She didn't know who it was from, and at this point in time she didn't have the strength to care. She went to run herself a hot bubble bath, and turning her radio to the station in question stepped in to the tub, trying to imagine her troubles floating away.

By the time 8pm came around she was curled up on her sofa in her pyjamas, flicking through a magazine. Her internal clock reminded her of the time and she sat up nervously, wondering what was going to happen. The DJ's voice her caught her attention.

"Next up we have a special request for a special girl. I have a little note to read out here so here we go.

I miss you Ninja girl. I'm tired of trying to be on top. Would you take forever as equals instead of never? Love your Squid." The DJ sounded fairly confused by the message, and Mac's eyes filled with tears for possible the millionth time that day. "Hmmmm cryptic!" The DJ continued. "Well Ninja girl, this one's for you!" Mac's heart leapt as the introductory notes of the songs floated across the airwaves.

A hundred days have made me older

Since the last time that I saw your pretty face

A thousand lies have made me colder

And I don't think I can look at this the same

But all the miles that separate

They disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby

But you're still on my lonely mind

I think about you baby

And I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby

But you're still with me in my dreams

And tonight

It's only you and me

The miles just keep rolling

As the people leave their way to say hello

I've heard this life is overrated

But I hope that it gets better as we go

I'm here without you baby

But you're still on my lonely mind

I think about you baby

And I dream about you all the time

I'm here without you baby

You're still with me in my dreams

And tonight girl

It's only you and me

_Oh Harm, _Mac thought, tears pouring down her face. They were from him. She had pushed him away but he was still there. _I'm so sorry. _Her reverie was interrupted by a knock at the door. She froze; terrified, forcing herself to get up and move to the door. She took a deep breath, her hand shaking like crazy as she reached out to open the door. What she saw on the other side took her breath away. Harm was standing there, holding a huge bouquet of red roses, a nervous Flyboy grin on his face. They both stood there for a second, similar 'deer in headlights' expressions on their faces. Mac moved first, throwing herself into his arms, clinging on to him for dear life. He chuckled softly; the first sound either one of them has made, and wrapped his arms around her, carefully putting the flowers on the floor. He realised with a shock that she was shaking, and pulled back to look down at her tearstained face. He wiped the tears away with his thumb. Mac looked up at him, a look of pure terror on her face.

"I'm so…sorry." She sniffed, the tears continuing to roll down her face. "I didn't mean it. I've missed you so much." He pulled her back to his chest, kissing her hair gently.

"Shhhhh, shhhhh" he whispered softly, "its ok." He stroked her back gently, trying to calm her sobs. "I can't lose you Mac." He whispered, "It would kill me not to have you in my life." His words only made her cry harder, and he gently steered them into her apartment, leading them to the sofa. He took a deep breath, "I love you so much Sarah. These past few months have been hell." Mac pulled back to look at him again, an expression of awe and wonder on her face.

"But I was so awful to you." She said, confused, "You gave up your life to come and save me and I threw it back in your face. How can you still want me in your life?" Harm sighed,

"Sarah, you are the centre of my life, I can't survive without you. Don't you understand that? I love you." A fresh batch of tears made their way down Mac's face.

"I love you too Harm." A look relief appeared on his face and he leaned forward, pressing his lips gently to hers. When he pulled back, he smiled at her again, that flyboy grin that she loved, and had missed so much.

"So ninja girl, what do you say?" he asked, hope now evident in his eyes. "No more being on top? We try this as equals?" She nodded, and smiled a slightly watery smile.

"As equals." She agreed. Harm reached into his pocket, pulling out a small velvet box nervously.

"I know we have a long way to go to get back to where we were Sarah." He started, flicking the lid open with his thumb. "But I want you to have this for when you are ready. You can where it on your right hand if you want to, but Sarah, sometime in the future, will you marry me?" Mac looked at the beautiful platinum and diamond ring in the case and then at Harm, the shock evident on her face.

"That won't be necessary Harm," she said, putting out her hand to stop his shocked and disappointed face from turning away. "I mean," she continued, looking deep into his eyes, proffering her left hand. "this is where it will always belong." She saw a flash of understanding in his eyes – This wasn't her and Brumby. This was real; this was forever. – He nodded quickly, and taking the ring out of its box, slid it onto the fourth finger of her left hand. She watched him in awe, wondering what she had done to deserve this amazing man.

"I love you so much Sarah." He repeated, looking deeply into her eyes. The intensity in them made her want to melt.

"I love you too Harm." She replied, leaning in to kiss him again.

* * *

Finis!!!!!!

I hope you enjoyed it. I got to the fluffy bit in the end! Im not sure where all that angst came from, although I did have a crummy day at work so that might have had something to do with it!

All reviews welcome!!


End file.
